Love Undefined

The “What are we?” Talk

Danica first set her eyes on Drew at a University where both were pursuing their undergraduate studies; she knew there was this aspect of him that was attractive though she couldn’t quite figure out what exactly it was. Simple actions such as saying hi, to exchanging contacts and endless chats marked the discovery of a friendship that would last beyond the walls of campus.

They both shared a few common interests and this connection would see to it that they spent most of their time together. As the days went by, they both became totally confused as the connection grew to an undefined bond. Drew had just broken things off with a lady he was seeing for quite a while and Danica though being single at the moment wasn’t quite sure she was ready to take it a notch higher. 

In their minds, it was pretty clear that things had only been casual — never official; they were friends first, so they definitely had this special connection that none of them could explain or rather were a bit reluctant to define but somehow deep within they both wished they secretly knew.

I write this not as a love guru but majorly based on my interactions and observations; oh and what good timing it is to find this inspiration as we exit “the month of Love!” I have come across memes, read captions and listened to conversations; that awkward conversation, the dreadful question and the defining moment when you realize you don’t have a clear response after all. 

Most people if not all have found themselves or are currently in a similar situation as Danica and Drew. Ultimately, you come to the realization that in as much you’ve had this connection for a while either or both of you fear DTR (Defining the Relationship). You only wish you secretly knew what the other person felt, probably since the commitment is lesser or you are just not sure you are ready for the whole package that comes with it. Why then is it difficult to let go?

Photo Courtesy Pal4articles

Is it enough to just have a “connection” with someone, without needing to define it? When drawing the relationship boundary lines, whose role is it to make the first relationship move, the man or the lady?

Nearly every romantic connection hinges on a dramatic moment when a couple finally must have “the talk” which in normal cases involves defining the relationship. “What are we? Are we ‘just friends’ or more than that? Are we dating or is our relationship just casual?” All these questions come up at some point when trying to gauge your level of commitment to each other.

At that moment it hits you that you’ve been living a fantasy; it’s all been an illusion - why are these questions so difficult to answer? This discussion has more often than not been avoided for fear of being perceived as pushy and let’s be real here it’s a bit scary to know. If you have begun to feel strongly about the individual in question, asking if he or she shares your feelings can be a frightening moment of truth.

Photo Courtesy Slism

We grew up knowing that relationships are all about that indefinable chemistry and connection. In an ideal world, it’s sort of automatic that you should just know when he or she is “The One”, right? Some describe it as a spark; others define it as the heart melting.

It works differently in several cases; for some people, chemistry leads to an almost perfect relationship while for others, this “connection” becomes confusing when they remain undefined. After all, even ambiguous relationships are rooted in deep connection.

There is something incredibly refreshing for a man about not having to broach this topic himself, while it’s extremely common among the ladies. In fact ladies have been accused by their male counterparts of always popping the question “What are we?” while men choose to avoid seemingly what they term as an “awkward conversation.”

If you've been casual for a while and the interactions are more than just hooking up, my bet is that both of you are already thinking about it and just haven't gotten up the nerve to talk about it yet. It takes time for a guy to work up the bravery to sit down at the other end of the table and just blurt it out. 

Before you finally decide to sit and have the “Talk”, go with an open mind, it can be an ego-crushing moment or things might just turn out positive for both of you. Ask yourself; are you in Love or Attached?

Bits & Pieces: Reflection of the Year that has been...*

Ringing out 2015...Ringing in 2016

The year that has been in review has always been about goals, achievements, flops and hope for the New Year. I’m still in awe at how time has gone by so fast; it almost feels as though the year 2015 briefly or never happened. However, as it is the norm it’s that time of the year when most of us reflect on the bits and pieces that shaped the year that has been.

 In reflection I always like reviewing the script of my life; to be able to make sense of the happenings and to connect the dots. The year 2015 began a bit differently as compared to my previous years; this year marked my journey breaking free from my “safe zone” to explore foreign territory and brave the storm that presented itself during several instances. In as much as the world in several cases only gets to see the end product, without a doubt sometimes it felt like walking uphill in the snow, a roller-coaster of emotions along the way; moments of success, celebrations, challenges, meltdowns, investments that fell through, built up anxiety and game-changing strategies.

This notwithstanding though; with every experience comes learning and with a series of success a number of flops. I could have chosen to keep it safe, never venturing into the deep end of the pool. But the reality of life is that progress calls for action, it’s not always straightforward but an unfolding journey.

All our paths are different, every human being is on their own unique journey and in all that we have devoted ourselves to, the trick is to see and surrender to it… it’s no easy feat. It’s a commitment to a future that’s certainly uncertain and without promise of anything other than living close to our desired goals. Every day, we must find the courage and resolve to keep strong, depend on God guidance to swim against the tide, align our actions with our passions, goals and dreams.

The flip-side…

In the quest for career independence, there are days I felt like I was going in circles and not making any progress… at least not the kind of progress I was expecting. But with this struggle came growth and maturity, I must mention that you only get wiser with and experience!

In the words of Leah DiPascal; sometimes we have plans and dreams we want to fulfill. But life can get confusing at times along the way. And most days it seems like we’re just surviving instead of living out those dreams or accomplishing our goals. There have been days I’ve felt like one foot was fixed to the floor, while the other foot scurried in every direction. Expending a lot of energy and mental fatigue, but going nowhere. I am almost sure a number of people can relate to this experience. 

In light of the New Year slowly approaching, it is important to understand that we all are in a state of transformation. Getting prepared for a new beginning, we have to shed the old skins and learn to live in a different reality and understand that whatever we do has an impact on everything that is! Like a butterfly let’s rise into infinity, against all odds.

Written by:

Dorcas Waringa

31/12/2015

The Directionless Dark

                 My experience...

She tried moving towards anything that felt like the right direction but with each step she bumped into a wall. Reality suddenly hit her she was trapped; trapped in emptiness - a dark hole, with no way out.

She plunged into a sorry state, a pity party to be precise. She was helpless caught up... tried shielding herself from the world. The only solution she had in mind was an escape to an Island, shutting herself out from anything that oozed life.

She was losing her mind, her thought process. Doubt suddenly set in, fear of the unknown, lost her will to fight for what she believed in; God, her dreams, her vision and purpose for life. Everything in her mind fell apart, for a moment her body felt numb.

She tried to awaken the zombie that had engulfed her but the struggle was real. On the flip side what she didn’t realize at that point was the fact that God was waiting on her call, to receive her; He wanted her to understand that He was in control but that didn’t make sense, she shut Him too.

She quit the fight, walked out of the battle field went deep into slumber so she could spare herself the agony; it was too much for her to handle.

Change of mindset

The change of her mindset was her dawn. She started collecting the pieces and putting them together, at that point her life flashed in front of her and she was reminded in flashback the journey that has been. She began putting things into perspective. Every aspect of her journey mattered after all; each hurdle and success gave meaning and preparation to her present and future respectively.

I put down these sentiments not too long ago when I became overwhelmed and plunged into meltdown. I believe it is definitely not the nicest thing that can happen to anyone but it is an inescapable fate for many and a rare occurrence for a few. Nevertheless it happens and we are left with no choice but to find ways of coping in such situations.

When one experiences a meltdown, they freak out, lose control of themselves and this can sometimes be characterized by depression, crying or frequent emotional tantrums at the slightest provocation and in most cases the victim withdraws from his/her normal activities and networks. 

It is a battle of the mind that can be won

Situations like this catapults us into a state of being that triggers the normal operations of the brain. The mind fixates on the negative aspects of a particular area of your life; it’s almost as if nothing else matters... a perception which is a complete fallacy.

Sometimes life beats you to the ground, you lose your sense of direction... and are pushed to an emotional edge; when this happens, get up and STOP! Be calm and try figuring it out... even if it means taking a day off or going on a vacation to clear your mind off things, make sure you achieve a balanced state of mind and keep moving forward.

Before you beat yourself up and crawl in pity, understand that this is not a disease but a battle of the mind that can be won. No situation is permanent after all, and when you thought life didn’t matter because you failed a step towards the journey of a thousand miles, or because you lost that job, lost love, failed your family or felt down-trodden... stop, be calm, breathe... you might be wrong.  It all matters!

“The mind is a very powerful tool that can work for or against you. This battle was every bit as mental as it was physical. I couldn't let the darkness that came at night control the outcome of my days. I had to be fearless, fight through the pain, and face the unknown.” Dave Liniger

Written By: 

Dorcas Waringa 

13/10/2015

Reinventing Rock Bottom

Get off the ground, break the chords, dust yourself & start climbing

 

“A lot of times you have to hit rock bottom to have the persistence to have the why-not-attitude, because with it comes the realization that you just can’t keep on living like this anymore. You want a way out and are willing to try something totally different as a last resort. This always feels a bit like dying, because you are giving up your previous conceptual orientation of yourself for a new and uncertain beginning. It is a step into unknown, an experience you haven’t felt or did before.”

I guess most of us if not all never give the term “rock bottom” much thought until you hit it. For many it is an event that happens just once for some it is several times.

In whichever category we might fall under, we can all agree that this is definitely an uncomfortable and frustrating place to be, but we can seemingly convert this struggle into a power that transforms our mind. Let me bring the point home; there will be those moments when you’ll feel like you are on top of your career like receiving a job offer or a new promotion. On the other hand, there will be those times when you’re working two part – time jobs unrelated to your degree, or even worse you’ve been stuck in unemployment for an unbearable long period of time and your dreams suddenly come to a halt. This could apply in any area of our lives.

Sometimes hitting rock bottom can be a wake-up call. There’s nothing that motivates a person more. The only way from rock bottom is up. There simply isn’t any way things can get worse and although you wouldn’t know it at the time, it is actually comforting that this is as bad as it gets.

Believe it or not, it is okay to hit rock bottom once in a while; it is transformational because it forces one to rebuild their life in a way they never thought they would have to do. It opens your mind to think of solutions and the ascent up could lead to a point of satisfaction.

Getting to that point is extremely hard to do but is also extremely rewarding. Some of the greatest accomplishments made by the most influential people of our time started when they hit rock bottom and later worked their way up, giving reference to Steve Jobs, Abraham Lincoln, and Oprah Winfrey among others.

Like any normal human being, they slipped into their cocoons, stayed in the dark and felt sorry for themselves but one day they took a turn ran their fingers against the crag and started pulling themselves out.

I have realized over time that being in this situation is more like flying, the difference is there are strings that are holding you up. 

How you choose to interpret it, is your choice…

Photo Courtesy: Crag Law Center

According to Jason Goldberg; you can choose to be crushed by the rock. You can become gravel that outside circumstances push deeper into the earth with no control over its own destiny.

You can make excuses and pretend that this is your only option. But you would be wrong. There is another option. You can become the rock! You can use it to become a boulder that is strong and can steamroll anything in its path given the right direction and momentum.

You can use the rock as a stepping stone to reach heights of re-invention that may have otherwise felt impossible.

By now we understand that life will always throw challenges at us and when the last straw that breaks the camel’s back leads us to a point of no control; always remember that you can either let it define you, destroy you or let it strengthen you.

Written By:

Dorcas Waringa 

17/05/2015