As the Tide Goes Out

The walk along tide-pools into the deep sea

A few years back we went on a campus vacation to the coast and while at it, there was a proposal that those interested could explore the ocean. If you’ve ever been to the beach, you understand that there’s a certain period of time when the tide goes out, the level of the water decreases and the flow of the water is stronger going out. This is the time most tourists on vacation prefer walking along the tide –pools deep into the ocean to get a glimpse of all sorts of sea creatures and features. 

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I wasn’t so sure I was ready to take that walk; I have always been partially thalassophobic. This notwithstanding, deep within I felt the need to conquer, besides, it would have been a unique addition to the list of my adventures and so we began the walk. The guide briefed us and we were strictly instructed to follow his foot path as there are specific areas that were to be avoided and considered unsafe. Let me state that by the time we were being warned of the areas to avoid, I felt a strong need to go back – doubt had engulfed me. How was I going to survive this, dodging the sea urchins, the heat, what if the tide comes in halfway the walk? I had no choice but to proceed, there’s no way the guide was going to keep the rest waiting and guide me back to the shore.

I must admit, that if you would watch anyone walking past the tide-pools you would think it’s an easy walk. It was one of the most difficult walks I’ve ever experienced, the deeper we went the more interesting and exciting it became but also the harder it was trying to keep balance and keeping sight of the dangerous underwater creatures. The lagoons were a sight to behold, a captivating beauty of nature. Walking back to the shore before the tide came in required a similar level attention, still holding on to my fear I unintentionally stepped on a sea urchin. Naturally sea urchins release poisonous stings in defense when they are stepped on, and if the sting isn't removed in good time it might cause damage to  one's system - it hurts but I guess that’s just one of nature’s bad side. At that point I was overwhelmed with regret as to why I decided to take on that walk despite feeling constrained.

This experience is a basic reflection of our real life encounters. Most of us if not all have goals and dreams that we hope to achieve, it may be related to personal growth, relationships, career or family among others. However, attempting to move through the noise in our minds can be so overwhelming. Our fears can sometimes drive us off balance or even cause us to get bogged down in apathy especially when we have to deal with change or venture into unfamiliar territories. 

Occasionally when we experience a constant self-doubt that we aren’t prepared or smart enough, we end up not enjoying the process or our success. Just as my reaction to the sea urchin sting, we are often quick to beat ourselves up in regret at the slightest encounter of failure. 

Life’s inevitable stings will always parade in the way of your goals or dreams; perhaps you’ve hit a career wall or you are facing a personal challenge that simply won’t go away. You don’t have to give up, many people have, but it doesn’t have to always be the case. Your dreams will take you into a new territory and bring you face-to-face with your own fears and doubts. The issue is not about how to avoid fear, but how to make positive decisions that boost your confidence while fear is present.

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Whenever you find yourself off-centred, tap into your inner centre on what you can do to eventually bring yourself back on balance. Trying to find the perfect balance as you pursue your dreams will bring along stress, fear, doubt; this experience is precisely important in shaping your confidence. Learn to always keep your options open as the world is changing too fast and be ready to take risks. You do not always have to make decisions when your journey is easy, you have to do it when it’s hardest to do so. That’s because to break through what is holding you back, you have to go through the fear and doubt. Tough choices are self-empowering, hence leading to personal growth.

As the tide goes out and the noise in your head settles, take on that walk with confidence. It’s not going to be easy, in fact once in a while you’ll unexpectedly step on the urchin and when life stings it will hurt but always remember to get rid of the sting and get back on your feet.

Silent Knocks of Reality...

Of Age & Mixed Emotions

Painting By: Michael Lang

A busy day it had been and the excitement and anxieties of a change that was about to take place the next day engulfed me to exhaustion, my clock was ticking. 

When everything was calm, I whispered a prayer and finally tucked myself under the covers. I don’t quite remember as a teenager if I had ever imagined what it would be or feel like hitting the quarter century mark, but I can remember vividly when I graduated from campus setting goals on what I would have loved to achieve by this age. 
As a youth, I had set my expectations quite high; being part of a generation that’s constantly thinking about success and progressing as fast as they deserve, the space keeps growing smaller and the pressure to become somebody beckoning. Fast is less of a virtue now and more of a lifestyle.

Yesterday one of my friends was marking another year in his birthday calendar and so as it is the norm, I passed across my goodwill message. However, part of his reply reflects the case for many young people; he explained that birthdays can sometimes create both a happy and a low feeling in equal measure, happy in the sense that it’s a blessing from God to experience a new year while the lows (in his own words) are experienced when you had set personal achievements or targets but you fall short.         

I have always enjoyed the transition of age, I still do; with each transition comes celebration, thanksgiving and joy as we knock on the door that opens up to a new chapter of our lives. I have however realized with time that it’s easier celebrating one’s birthday as a child than as a youth. 
There’s a tremendous amount of pressure put on you when you’re in your twenties, so much is expected of you in every aspect of your life. You want to succeed in your relationships, your jobs, your finances, all before you hit a certain age.

Here I was marking a milestone in my twenties the best yet the most difficult age for most people. It's that time when you get to develop a sense of independence, try to maintain stability in your career, explore the dating scene, or travel the world. On the other hand, it's a time often characterized by crises, failures, relationship misadventures, and a sense of uncertainty about whom we are and where we are headed. In other words with every transition your success is judged by what you achieved in the preceding year.

When the party is over, and you find yourself curled up in a corner clouded by thoughts and anxieties, know that these emotions are pretty common and I guess they typically pass with time as you hit adulthood. In worst cases one can plunge into depression, begin to believe they won’t ever achieve anything, trying to figure out why everyone else seems happy and ahead of them and so they slowly shut down.

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Most if not all of us have an opinion about hitting a specific age that we dread so much and therefore work tirelessly to achieve everything we promised ourselves we would before then. This can be a freaking rollercoaster.

Take time to find yourself and your passion; avoid social pressure and setting unrealistic expectations. You get wiser with age, step out of your comfort zone and understand that sometimes it doesn’t all go as planned and that’s okay.   

...Mathew 6:25 - 34

The Broken Wine Glass

Finding Beauty in Imperfection

At the corner of the living room stood a coffee stool, on it I noticed a rather attractive blue broken wine glass with its stem and base missing.  Why would anyone want to keep a piece of a broken wine glass anyway? After all it was so obvious that it had lost its aesthetic appeal and intended functionality.

The next few minutes marked the beginning of a conversation that would indulge my curiosity while I continued nonetheless to hold the broken piece in awe, perhaps to create some meaning out of it.

Photo Courtesy; Pixabay

My friend had bought this wine glass a while back when he visited one of the famous glass art studios in the outskirts of Nairobi City. The glass stood out from the rest and on spotting it from the shelves, he felt a strong liking that prompted his decision to purchase and display it as an art. Unfortunately, when he got home it fell and broke into half before it served its purpose. This however, he says did not deter him from keeping it; he threw away the stem and the base but kept the bowl. As we had this conversation I couldn’t help but notice the sentimental value he attached to this piece of art, one that he valued for its uniqueness; in fact even with an obvious fault, he wouldn’t throw it away if given a replacement.

As a deep thinker though, I began creating meaning out of a conversation that would have easily passed as simple and casual. I was stirred by how much this case is very much relatable to our relationships (be it family, friendships, marriages); what if we applied a similar concept to our relationships? Every human relationship has the ability to provide meaning, and joy despite our faults, this is quite possible only when we learn to truly love.

We never develop relationships hoping for the worst, just the same way when you purchase that piece of art, or wine glass, it rarely crosses your mind that it will break the moment you get home in as much as it is a possibility.

When it comes to personal relationships, there can be a tangle; personalities can begin to clash, petty arguments surface too easily, irritations may occur and so on. On occasion, we tend to display our strengths and positive attributes so we can stand out from the rest and fit within a particular 'perfect' circle often defined by the beholder.  Rarely do we talk about the fact that each of us will also come with our weaknesses thoroughly intact. Yet we seem surprised when weakness surface at a certain point into the relationship.

Photo Courtesy; Mike Buckley

In reality, very few things in life (if any) are perfect, including all form of relationships. Instead of expecting perfection and ending up feeling disappointed, it is important to learn how to accept and navigate around the faults. As a result, you’re likely to feel happier in your relationship. Very often we notice that our greatest weakness is simply our greatest strength out of balance. The wisdom that’s the Bible implies that in relationships our general attitude should be one of restoring and loving unconditionally; a joint effort of finding the holes and mending them. 

 (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) 

The broken wine glass story is a lesson that love is derived from exploring the simple, embracing each other in totality despite our imperfections and hence finding the beauty in each other’s imperfections. If we haven’t understood this yet then probably what we’ve always perceived as love might just have been an illusion.

However, love means different things to different people and we are not going to act like and pretend that it is easy either. One may ask though at what point do you let go? My take; when the glass is completely shattered and you can’t make sense of the pieces anymore.

The moment you make that commitment, then you should be prepared to take on the full responsibility that comes with it. If it meant so much to you when you first spotted it, then hold on to it even in its broken state… and make good of it while it lasts!

Love Undefined

The “What are we?” Talk

Danica first set her eyes on Drew at a University where both were pursuing their undergraduate studies; she knew there was this aspect of him that was attractive though she couldn’t quite figure out what exactly it was. Simple actions such as saying hi, to exchanging contacts and endless chats marked the discovery of a friendship that would last beyond the walls of campus.

They both shared a few common interests and this connection would see to it that they spent most of their time together. As the days went by, they both became totally confused as the connection grew to an undefined bond. Drew had just broken things off with a lady he was seeing for quite a while and Danica though being single at the moment wasn’t quite sure she was ready to take it a notch higher. 

In their minds, it was pretty clear that things had only been casual — never official; they were friends first, so they definitely had this special connection that none of them could explain or rather were a bit reluctant to define but somehow deep within they both wished they secretly knew.

I write this not as a love guru but majorly based on my interactions and observations; oh and what good timing it is to find this inspiration as we exit “the month of Love!” I have come across memes, read captions and listened to conversations; that awkward conversation, the dreadful question and the defining moment when you realize you don’t have a clear response after all. 

Most people if not all have found themselves or are currently in a similar situation as Danica and Drew. Ultimately, you come to the realization that in as much you’ve had this connection for a while either or both of you fear DTR (Defining the Relationship). You only wish you secretly knew what the other person felt, probably since the commitment is lesser or you are just not sure you are ready for the whole package that comes with it. Why then is it difficult to let go?

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Is it enough to just have a “connection” with someone, without needing to define it? When drawing the relationship boundary lines, whose role is it to make the first relationship move, the man or the lady?

Nearly every romantic connection hinges on a dramatic moment when a couple finally must have “the talk” which in normal cases involves defining the relationship. “What are we? Are we ‘just friends’ or more than that? Are we dating or is our relationship just casual?” All these questions come up at some point when trying to gauge your level of commitment to each other.

At that moment it hits you that you’ve been living a fantasy; it’s all been an illusion - why are these questions so difficult to answer? This discussion has more often than not been avoided for fear of being perceived as pushy and let’s be real here it’s a bit scary to know. If you have begun to feel strongly about the individual in question, asking if he or she shares your feelings can be a frightening moment of truth.

Photo Courtesy Slism

We grew up knowing that relationships are all about that indefinable chemistry and connection. In an ideal world, it’s sort of automatic that you should just know when he or she is “The One”, right? Some describe it as a spark; others define it as the heart melting.

It works differently in several cases; for some people, chemistry leads to an almost perfect relationship while for others, this “connection” becomes confusing when they remain undefined. After all, even ambiguous relationships are rooted in deep connection.

There is something incredibly refreshing for a man about not having to broach this topic himself, while it’s extremely common among the ladies. In fact ladies have been accused by their male counterparts of always popping the question “What are we?” while men choose to avoid seemingly what they term as an “awkward conversation.”

If you've been casual for a while and the interactions are more than just hooking up, my bet is that both of you are already thinking about it and just haven't gotten up the nerve to talk about it yet. It takes time for a guy to work up the bravery to sit down at the other end of the table and just blurt it out. 

Before you finally decide to sit and have the “Talk”, go with an open mind, it can be an ego-crushing moment or things might just turn out positive for both of you. Ask yourself; are you in Love or Attached?