Silent Knocks of Reality...

Of Age & Mixed Emotions

Painting By: Michael Lang

A busy day it had been and the excitement and anxieties of a change that was about to take place the next day engulfed me to exhaustion, my clock was ticking. 

When everything was calm, I whispered a prayer and finally tucked myself under the covers. I don’t quite remember as a teenager if I had ever imagined what it would be or feel like hitting the quarter century mark, but I can remember vividly when I graduated from campus setting goals on what I would have loved to achieve by this age. 
As a youth, I had set my expectations quite high; being part of a generation that’s constantly thinking about success and progressing as fast as they deserve, the space keeps growing smaller and the pressure to become somebody beckoning. Fast is less of a virtue now and more of a lifestyle.

Yesterday one of my friends was marking another year in his birthday calendar and so as it is the norm, I passed across my goodwill message. However, part of his reply reflects the case for many young people; he explained that birthdays can sometimes create both a happy and a low feeling in equal measure, happy in the sense that it’s a blessing from God to experience a new year while the lows (in his own words) are experienced when you had set personal achievements or targets but you fall short.         

I have always enjoyed the transition of age, I still do; with each transition comes celebration, thanksgiving and joy as we knock on the door that opens up to a new chapter of our lives. I have however realized with time that it’s easier celebrating one’s birthday as a child than as a youth. 
There’s a tremendous amount of pressure put on you when you’re in your twenties, so much is expected of you in every aspect of your life. You want to succeed in your relationships, your jobs, your finances, all before you hit a certain age.

Here I was marking a milestone in my twenties the best yet the most difficult age for most people. It's that time when you get to develop a sense of independence, try to maintain stability in your career, explore the dating scene, or travel the world. On the other hand, it's a time often characterized by crises, failures, relationship misadventures, and a sense of uncertainty about whom we are and where we are headed. In other words with every transition your success is judged by what you achieved in the preceding year.

When the party is over, and you find yourself curled up in a corner clouded by thoughts and anxieties, know that these emotions are pretty common and I guess they typically pass with time as you hit adulthood. In worst cases one can plunge into depression, begin to believe they won’t ever achieve anything, trying to figure out why everyone else seems happy and ahead of them and so they slowly shut down.

Photo Courtesy

Most if not all of us have an opinion about hitting a specific age that we dread so much and therefore work tirelessly to achieve everything we promised ourselves we would before then. This can be a freaking rollercoaster.

Take time to find yourself and your passion; avoid social pressure and setting unrealistic expectations. You get wiser with age, step out of your comfort zone and understand that sometimes it doesn’t all go as planned and that’s okay.   

...Mathew 6:25 - 34

The Broken Wine Glass

Finding Beauty in Imperfection

At the corner of the living room stood a coffee stool, on it I noticed a rather attractive blue broken wine glass with its stem and base missing.  Why would anyone want to keep a piece of a broken wine glass anyway? After all it was so obvious that it had lost its aesthetic appeal and intended functionality.

The next few minutes marked the beginning of a conversation that would indulge my curiosity while I continued nonetheless to hold the broken piece in awe, perhaps to create some meaning out of it.

Photo Courtesy; Pixabay

My friend had bought this wine glass a while back when he visited one of the famous glass art studios in the outskirts of Nairobi City. The glass stood out from the rest and on spotting it from the shelves, he felt a strong liking that prompted his decision to purchase and display it as an art. Unfortunately, when he got home it fell and broke into half before it served its purpose. This however, he says did not deter him from keeping it; he threw away the stem and the base but kept the bowl. As we had this conversation I couldn’t help but notice the sentimental value he attached to this piece of art, one that he valued for its uniqueness; in fact even with an obvious fault, he wouldn’t throw it away if given a replacement.

As a deep thinker though, I began creating meaning out of a conversation that would have easily passed as simple and casual. I was stirred by how much this case is very much relatable to our relationships (be it family, friendships, marriages); what if we applied a similar concept to our relationships? Every human relationship has the ability to provide meaning, and joy despite our faults, this is quite possible only when we learn to truly love.

We never develop relationships hoping for the worst, just the same way when you purchase that piece of art, or wine glass, it rarely crosses your mind that it will break the moment you get home in as much as it is a possibility.

When it comes to personal relationships, there can be a tangle; personalities can begin to clash, petty arguments surface too easily, irritations may occur and so on. On occasion, we tend to display our strengths and positive attributes so we can stand out from the rest and fit within a particular 'perfect' circle often defined by the beholder.  Rarely do we talk about the fact that each of us will also come with our weaknesses thoroughly intact. Yet we seem surprised when weakness surface at a certain point into the relationship.

Photo Courtesy; Mike Buckley

In reality, very few things in life (if any) are perfect, including all form of relationships. Instead of expecting perfection and ending up feeling disappointed, it is important to learn how to accept and navigate around the faults. As a result, you’re likely to feel happier in your relationship. Very often we notice that our greatest weakness is simply our greatest strength out of balance. The wisdom that’s the Bible implies that in relationships our general attitude should be one of restoring and loving unconditionally; a joint effort of finding the holes and mending them. 

 (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) 

The broken wine glass story is a lesson that love is derived from exploring the simple, embracing each other in totality despite our imperfections and hence finding the beauty in each other’s imperfections. If we haven’t understood this yet then probably what we’ve always perceived as love might just have been an illusion.

However, love means different things to different people and we are not going to act like and pretend that it is easy either. One may ask though at what point do you let go? My take; when the glass is completely shattered and you can’t make sense of the pieces anymore.

The moment you make that commitment, then you should be prepared to take on the full responsibility that comes with it. If it meant so much to you when you first spotted it, then hold on to it even in its broken state… and make good of it while it lasts!

Love Undefined

The “What are we?” Talk

Danica first set her eyes on Drew at a University where both were pursuing their undergraduate studies; she knew there was this aspect of him that was attractive though she couldn’t quite figure out what exactly it was. Simple actions such as saying hi, to exchanging contacts and endless chats marked the discovery of a friendship that would last beyond the walls of campus.

They both shared a few common interests and this connection would see to it that they spent most of their time together. As the days went by, they both became totally confused as the connection grew to an undefined bond. Drew had just broken things off with a lady he was seeing for quite a while and Danica though being single at the moment wasn’t quite sure she was ready to take it a notch higher. 

In their minds, it was pretty clear that things had only been casual — never official; they were friends first, so they definitely had this special connection that none of them could explain or rather were a bit reluctant to define but somehow deep within they both wished they secretly knew.

I write this not as a love guru but majorly based on my interactions and observations; oh and what good timing it is to find this inspiration as we exit “the month of Love!” I have come across memes, read captions and listened to conversations; that awkward conversation, the dreadful question and the defining moment when you realize you don’t have a clear response after all. 

Most people if not all have found themselves or are currently in a similar situation as Danica and Drew. Ultimately, you come to the realization that in as much you’ve had this connection for a while either or both of you fear DTR (Defining the Relationship). You only wish you secretly knew what the other person felt, probably since the commitment is lesser or you are just not sure you are ready for the whole package that comes with it. Why then is it difficult to let go?

Photo Courtesy Pal4articles

Is it enough to just have a “connection” with someone, without needing to define it? When drawing the relationship boundary lines, whose role is it to make the first relationship move, the man or the lady?

Nearly every romantic connection hinges on a dramatic moment when a couple finally must have “the talk” which in normal cases involves defining the relationship. “What are we? Are we ‘just friends’ or more than that? Are we dating or is our relationship just casual?” All these questions come up at some point when trying to gauge your level of commitment to each other.

At that moment it hits you that you’ve been living a fantasy; it’s all been an illusion - why are these questions so difficult to answer? This discussion has more often than not been avoided for fear of being perceived as pushy and let’s be real here it’s a bit scary to know. If you have begun to feel strongly about the individual in question, asking if he or she shares your feelings can be a frightening moment of truth.

Photo Courtesy Slism

We grew up knowing that relationships are all about that indefinable chemistry and connection. In an ideal world, it’s sort of automatic that you should just know when he or she is “The One”, right? Some describe it as a spark; others define it as the heart melting.

It works differently in several cases; for some people, chemistry leads to an almost perfect relationship while for others, this “connection” becomes confusing when they remain undefined. After all, even ambiguous relationships are rooted in deep connection.

There is something incredibly refreshing for a man about not having to broach this topic himself, while it’s extremely common among the ladies. In fact ladies have been accused by their male counterparts of always popping the question “What are we?” while men choose to avoid seemingly what they term as an “awkward conversation.”

If you've been casual for a while and the interactions are more than just hooking up, my bet is that both of you are already thinking about it and just haven't gotten up the nerve to talk about it yet. It takes time for a guy to work up the bravery to sit down at the other end of the table and just blurt it out. 

Before you finally decide to sit and have the “Talk”, go with an open mind, it can be an ego-crushing moment or things might just turn out positive for both of you. Ask yourself; are you in Love or Attached?

Bits & Pieces: Reflection of the Year that has been...*

Ringing out 2015...Ringing in 2016

The year that has been in review has always been about goals, achievements, flops and hope for the New Year. I’m still in awe at how time has gone by so fast; it almost feels as though the year 2015 briefly or never happened. However, as it is the norm it’s that time of the year when most of us reflect on the bits and pieces that shaped the year that has been.

 In reflection I always like reviewing the script of my life; to be able to make sense of the happenings and to connect the dots. The year 2015 began a bit differently as compared to my previous years; this year marked my journey breaking free from my “safe zone” to explore foreign territory and brave the storm that presented itself during several instances. In as much as the world in several cases only gets to see the end product, without a doubt sometimes it felt like walking uphill in the snow, a roller-coaster of emotions along the way; moments of success, celebrations, challenges, meltdowns, investments that fell through, built up anxiety and game-changing strategies.

This notwithstanding though; with every experience comes learning and with a series of success a number of flops. I could have chosen to keep it safe, never venturing into the deep end of the pool. But the reality of life is that progress calls for action, it’s not always straightforward but an unfolding journey.

All our paths are different, every human being is on their own unique journey and in all that we have devoted ourselves to, the trick is to see and surrender to it… it’s no easy feat. It’s a commitment to a future that’s certainly uncertain and without promise of anything other than living close to our desired goals. Every day, we must find the courage and resolve to keep strong, depend on God guidance to swim against the tide, align our actions with our passions, goals and dreams.

The flip-side…

In the quest for career independence, there are days I felt like I was going in circles and not making any progress… at least not the kind of progress I was expecting. But with this struggle came growth and maturity, I must mention that you only get wiser with and experience!

In the words of Leah DiPascal; sometimes we have plans and dreams we want to fulfill. But life can get confusing at times along the way. And most days it seems like we’re just surviving instead of living out those dreams or accomplishing our goals. There have been days I’ve felt like one foot was fixed to the floor, while the other foot scurried in every direction. Expending a lot of energy and mental fatigue, but going nowhere. I am almost sure a number of people can relate to this experience. 

In light of the New Year slowly approaching, it is important to understand that we all are in a state of transformation. Getting prepared for a new beginning, we have to shed the old skins and learn to live in a different reality and understand that whatever we do has an impact on everything that is! Like a butterfly let’s rise into infinity, against all odds.

Written by:

Dorcas Waringa

31/12/2015